TeachYour Child
How to Deal with Bullies:
Chapter 1:
Are You Creating a Bully?
This is an educational
service provided by:
Denny Strecker and Denny Strecker's Karate
Background
Denny Strecker's Karate has been servicing Warren and the surrounding communities since 1997. In those seven years, the school has helped hundreds of parents give their children a brighter and better future. The school’s unique approach to teaching martial arts makes it easy for children of all ages to learn in a fun, exciting and healthy environment.
My name is Denny Strecker and I have been working with children for over fourteen years and I am the driving force behind the school’s education system. I started training martial arts in 1987 and felt that something was missing – the improvement of the mind. Schools were teaching the art of self defense, but no one was teaching any useful “Life Skills”. As a student, I figured I was much more likely to use the skill of “Goal Setting” before ever throwing a jump spin kick to knock out someone trying to hurt him - but this training wasn’t around. In 1992, I started to teach classes and immediately began to implement this method of teaching. “Life Skills” and self-defense combined in the class room. The mentality I used at the time, that still exists today is, “Hopefully you will never have to use your self defense skills, BUT, you will use your Life Skills EVERYDAY in one fashion or another.” Now, 14 years later, the teaching system in place works for hundreds of children in the community giving them a better life
Imagine if you were introduced to the skills of Goal Setting, Time Management, Public Speaking, Teamwork, and Leadership at the age of your child now. How much further would you be in life? How much happier would you be? By investing in your child’s future now, you are giving them the benefits that will last a lifetime.
What is bullying?
Bullying is defined as any kind of ongoing physical or verbal mistreatment where there is an imbalance of power — usually a bigger, older child picking on a smaller or weaker one. Bullying is a game of "one-upmanship" — an attempt to win while the other loses. Another characteristic of bullying is that the victim appears to be very upset by the incident, while the bully is matter-of-fact, saying things like "What's the big deal?" or "The kid asked for it," according to William Porter, author of Bully Proofing Your School.
This difference in attitudes distinguishes bullying from more normal childhood
conflicts — fisticuffs during a kickball game or a heated argument
over whose turn it is on the swings, for instance — where both children
are equally upset and angry over what happened. It's really important
for adults not to mistake bullying for normal childhood conflict. Some
conflict between kids is expected. Bullying, on the other hand, shouldn't
be tolerated at all.
Who gets picked on?
Bullies tend to zero in on children who appear vulnerable for some reason. Victims are usually passive, anxious, sensitive and quiet, or stand out in some way: perhaps they are taller or shorter, wear braces, are overweight, or have a physical disability. At the same time, youngsters who are provocative and annoying, who seek negative attention from peers, also tend to get picked on. Both passive and aggressive victims tend to have few friends, and therefore few allies to rally to their defense in a sticky situation.
How to Help Your Child
Realizing that some kids seem doomed to be victimized because of their very nature or physical status, is there any real hope of bully-proofing your child? Yes, say the experts, you can help your child don a sort of psychic bully-proof vest to deflect the insults and physical abuse that bullies like to dish out. And it's never too early to begin laying this foundation for self-preservation. Following are steps you can take to help bully-proof your own youngster:
• Teach self-respect. A confident child is less
likely to become the victim of a bully. How can you help? A pat on the
back every once in a while works wonders. Make sure positive comments,
"I like the way you picked up your toys without being asked"
or "You did a great job getting yourself dressed this morning,"
outweigh negative ones. Avoid labeling or name-calling (such as calling
a child lazy, for instance) that can make a youngster feel bad about herself.
• Let your child know it's OK to express anger or dissatisfaction.
Don't chastise or stop your child when she's blowing off steam. Show her
that you value her opinions — even if it means listening to a four-year-old
argue vehemently about why she needn't take a nap or an eight-year-old
expound on why she "hates" you today. Letting your child stand
up to you now and then makes it more likely she'll stand up to a bully.
• Stress the importance of body language. Verbally
asserting oneself is not very effective if one's body language tells another
story. Teach your child to hold himself confidently, to bolster his assertive
words by relaxing his body (deep breathing helps), keeping her hands steady,
and maintaining frequent eye contact. Bullies tend to gravitate toward
kids who are unsure of themselves. These tricks will help your youngster
seem self-assured, even when he's not.
• Encourage friendships. Children who are loners
tend to be more vulnerable to bullies. So, start early in helping your
youngster to develop friendships and build social skills. By elementary
school, it may be more difficult for a shy child to make friends. Perhaps
your child needs help in learning how to initiate friendships or join
in group activities. "If your child has problems fitting in, suggest
she seek out another youngster who's alone a lot, rather than try to break
into a group of two or more children," recommends William Porter,
"It's also easier to participate in unstructured activities, such
as playing on the jungle gym, than to join an organized game in progress."
• Teach your child to express herself clearly, yet diplomatically.
Help your youngster learn to use "I" statements. This
form of self-expression works for two reasons: first, it's indisputable.
For example, if your daughter tells a friend "I don't like to play
that game anymore," who can argue with her? After all, that's how
she feels. Second, the statement is nonjudgmental. Your child is not putting
the other youngster on the defensive. When a child knows how to express
herself without stepping on other people's toes, she tends to be popular
with her peers — and, as mentioned, having friends is a good way
to keep bullies at bay.
Is Your Child Being Bullied?
Too often, parents are the last to know their child is in trouble. Remember, bullies work through fear and manipulation. They often intimidate children into silence by threatening to harm them or by labeling them "wimps" or "babies" if they tell an adult what's going on. Therefore, it's important for parents of school-age children to be on the lookout for signs of bullying. If your son routinely comes home from school extremely hungry, ask him why. Maybe someone is taking his lunch. Does your daughter rush to the bathroom as soon as she gets off the bus? Maybe she's afraid to enter the school bathroom because a child uses this place to threaten or intimidate her.
It's a good idea to make it a habit to ask your child what's happening
at school, especially if you suspect a problem. Ask pointed questions
("Who's the bully in your class?" or "Who bothers kids
on the bus?"), particularly if you are unable to be home when your
child gets off the school bus. The reason? "By the time you arrive
home and talk with your child about the day, she may no longer be focusing
on the fact that Susie is bothering her on the bus. But that doesn't mean
it wasn't upsetting to her."
Defensive Strategies
What should you do if you discover your child is being bullied? Discussing
some of these bully-busting strategies with your youngster may help:
• Practice the art of self-affirmation. One tactic
is called "self-talk," or teaching the victim to give her-self
a silent pep talk whenever she's picked on. For instance, she could repeat
to herself: "Even though you're saying those things about me, I know
they're not true. I don't feel that way about myself." Positive self-talk
addresses that all-important issue of self-esteem. And the better a child
feels about herself, the less likely she is to be bullied.
• Know when to assert oneself. Put the bully on
notice that his actions won't be tolerated. This can be as simple as telling
the bully, "You can't talk to me like that. Leave me alone."
(A word of caution here: Some bullies actually feed on getting a response.
Therefore your child should assert himself just once. If it doesn't work,
move on to something else, or the bullying may escalate.)Whatever you
do, don't encourage your child to fight the bully. Bullies tend to pick
on kids who are smaller and weaker. That means your little 80-pound Johnny
could be duking it out with a 130-pound aggressor. The bully's going to
prevail. Such victories only encourage a bully to carry on with the victimization.
• Use humor to deflect an onslaught. Doing or saying
something funny or unexpected is another effective means of deflecting
a bully. Help your child come up with a silly one-liner ("You yellow-bellied
school bus") that could throw the bully off balance. It might be
enough to make him stop.
• "Never let him see you sweat." Teach
your child not to let a bully see that he's upset or scared. A child who
is obviously anxious or tends to wear his heart on his sleeve —
thereby letting the bully know his tactics are working — may need
help finding ways to better hide his emotions.
• Avoid, when necessary. One of the best ways to
avoid bullying is to avoid the bully. Suggest to your child that she duck
down a different stairwell or take a new bike route home. However, don't
view running away as a long-term solution, since it may only delay the
bullying attempts. Rather, it should be looked at in terms of safety —
a way to avoid immediate harm.
• Don't be ashamed to ask for help. As a last resort,
if the above solutions don't work, encourage your child to report the
bullying to his teacher. Parents need to get beyond the misguided idea
that kids always need to solve their own problems, that it toughens them
up.
Why Does a Child Become a Bully?
There is no one particular thing that turns a child into a bully. However,
studies show that the problem is generally triggered by something at home
in the youngster's environment. This could include having parents who
are overly punitive or verbally or physically abusive. A bully also could
have been victimized himself, perhaps by a sibling or another child. It
becomes very easy for a child to turn around and do to someone else what's
been done to him because he knows exactly how it feels. So, how do you
discourage a child from becoming a bully? Here's what to watch out for:
• Take a look at your parenting practices. Are
you a bully at home? Do you frequently criticize your child or demand
unquestioning obedience at every turn? Do you use spanking as a punishment?
If so, you're sending the message to your child that anger, violence,
and intimidation are ways to get what you want. Very likely, your child
will turn around and use similar tactics on peers.
• Watch your tone — and your message. It's
important for parents and caregivers to examine the tone of voice they
use when speaking to children. Avoid undue criticism. Children learn by
example, and someone who is belittled at home may resort to such tactics
when dealing with peers.
• Start to teach the art of negotiation early on.
The preschool years are the time to begin to teach children to mediate
their own disputes. If your toddler is wrestling a toy from the hands
of a playmate, swoop in and offer an alternative. With toddlers, parents
and caregivers need to watch and intervene when trouble arises. Then try
to move things from "might makes right" to "let's make
a deal."
• Don't be a "wimp." Parents may also
breed a bully by being overly permissive. By giving in when a child is
obnoxious or demanding, they send the message that bullying pays off.
Children actually feel more secure when they know parents will set limits.
If you do discover your child is acting like a tyrant, don't panic. It's
important for parents to realize that all kids have the capacity to bully.
Here's what to do if it's your child who's doing the bullying:
• Make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated. Although
it's important to determine why your child is behaving like a ruffian,
emphasize that you won't allow such actions, and outline the consequences.
If the problem occurs at school, tell your child that you respect the
school's right to exact punishment if it persists.
• Have your child walk in the victim's shoes. Since
bullies have trouble empathizing with their victims, it's important to
discuss how it feels to be bullied. How would your child feel if it happened
to her?
• Help your child feel successful. It's important
to emphasize your child's good points, so he can start to experience how
positive feedback (rather than negative attention) feels. Is she good
with animals? A math whiz? Proficient at team sports? Then put her in
situations where her strengths make her shine. Find opportunities for
your child to help others, perhaps by volunteering or helping a teacher
after school. Doing good increases a child's sense of self-worth
This report is the part 1 of 7. As you can now see, Bullying is an in-depth topic that we discuss and teach a multitude of methods to each of our clients. Every situation is unique, and a child needs to learn concepts that he or she can apply that work for them. Each of our expert staff members are ready to help anyone who feels frustrated and at a loss of how to make their child BULLYPROOF. Call us today to discuss your situation or to schedule a FREE consultation. Our goal is to make it so every child can go to school to learn in a safe environment without worry of being bullied.
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my free report on “Teaching Your Child How To Deal with Bullies”. I hope that you found it informational and useful for your needs. If you have any questions or would like more information, please feel free to contact me at:
Denny Strecker
Denny Strecker's Karate
28732 Ryan Road
Warren, Mi. 48092
(586)573-3881
denny@warrenkarate.com
“We started our program about six months ago, and being in the
education field, I have learned so much from this program even just by
watching it. Joshua has grown tremendously. His focus has improved and
he looks forward to coming to class…even if he has a bad day at
school he wants to come to karate. I would highly recommend this class.”
– Melanie Rainwater (Educator/Parent of Joshua Rainwater)
“Allen
has grown socially since starting the martial arts. We can see more of
his training showing up in his everyday thoughts and actions…He
is making efforts to include everyone in playtime by introducing everyone
to one another.”
- Kathy
Dahlka (Parent of Allen Dahlka and Tai Chi Student)
“Sensei
is an excellent resource person. He has a great ability and willingness
to help both students and parents. He works well with the students and
has the ability to motivate them. He provides a positive environment for
the students to learn and feel good about themselves and their accomplishments.”
- Debbie Calvert (Parent of Justin Calvert)
“Self
control and leadership has been another positive aspect of their training
at Denny Strecker's Karate. I can see how this helps my children in their
day to day interactions at school. They clearly will stand up for what
they believe in, no matter how much they get teased.”
- Lisa Kulesza (Parent of Jennifer and Alyssa Kulesza)